3727th Time's the Charm
by MademoisellePadfoot
Summary: James has tried everything logically possible to get Lily to go out with him, yet none of it has worked...so now it's time to resort to the illogical and borderline insane ideas of his fellow Marauder friends.


**Disclaimer: All J.K. Rowling's, sadly.**

**Note: Hi, this is my first time writing for Fanfiction. This story is supposed to be a sort of comedy/romance thing, so if you have any constructive criticism or compliments to boost my ego, go ahead and rate and review!**

**The Doorway to Heaven**

James Potter was not happy, not happy at all. Sighing, he raised a hand and ran it through his untidy hair, the gears in his mind working furiously. Lily would ignore him if he tried to be gallant, and she would yell at him if he tried to be funny. She would also hit him, curse him, yell at him some more and threaten him if he tried anything else. There was only so much a man could take…even a devilishly handsome man like himself. As he pondered the newest obstacle of his six-and-a-quarter-year long relationship with Lily (they _were_ in a relationship; Lily just didn't know it), a distraction in the form of an idiotic prat named Padfoot arrived.

"Proooooooooooongs!" Sirius came bounding out of the portrait hole, a cucumber in one hand and a sock puppet on the other. "Prooooooooooongs!"

James would know that suspicious grin anywhere. He narrowed his eyes.

He bounced over to James and flung himself onto the nearest armchair, lying with one leg sprawled over the armrest and another somewhere near his stomach. Nearly half the female population in the room swooned when he raised his arm to show off his sock puppet, also unknowingly showing off his nicely toned arms. However, when he opened his mouth, the effect was ruined.

"Ngyah! Die cucumber! Die!"

Apparently "Socky" was angry at Mr. Cucumber, probably for some bizarre reason like Mr. Cucumber ate Socky's googly eye.

James reached over and smacked Sirius on the side of the head.

"Ow!"

There was a moment's pause.

"…Right…thanks, mate. For stopping me."

"Anytime."

Sirius sat on the couch for half a minute, wondering what he should do. Perhaps he should comfort his friend James, who was now staring off into space and subconsciously stabbing at his wrists with a ruler, suddenly in an extremely emo mood. Yes, that seemed to be an excellent idea!

"Prooooooooooongs, I have something that might cheer you up!"

James started and looked up. Deciding that Sirius's ideas were best left to himself since they always seemed to involve a naked Marauder at some point, James just sighed once more and looked down at his still unblemished wrists sadly.

"Prongsie, mate, I've got the new issue of Chicks With Sticks!"

Aside from being a humorous Muggle novel, Chicks With Sticks was a Wizarding magazine that was quite popular among…artistic…men. It provided very…inspiring…poses of attractive witches with broomsticks, spurring on many innovative minds…

After hearing this, James seemed to brighten up considerably. "Really? Where?"

Happy that he had at least achieved something today—he hadn't even gotten a detention with McGonagall! It was obviously one of those down days—Sirius jumped up eagerly. "It's in our dormitory!"

Like the sexually deprived little boys they were, the two Marauders scrambled like eggs towards the staircase leading to the boys dormitory.

Sirius sneaked stealthily into the room so as not to wake Remus, who was grumpy when woken up and a very light sleeper. James waited anxiously outside, grinning when Sirius inched out again and silently shut the door. They then rushed out of the Gryffindor common room after checking the Marauder's Map for any sign of Filch, heading towards the Heads Tower.

…

Lily Evans was extremely happy. She was, in fact, so happy that she was singing _Hate That I Love You _at the top of her lungs, unaware that her happiness was about to end very, very soon.

Lily stepped out of her school robes and into her bathrobe, grabbing one of her favorite novels to read while she waited for the bathtub to fill with water.

She sighed contentedly—it was Saturday evening and she was free of classes until Monday. Lily was planning on taking a hot, long bubble bath that broke some kind of a world record regarding time, curling up in the Gryffindor common room with her friends and a thick book and returning to the Heads Tower to get some sleep. Nowhere in her plans did she see any mention of Potter, but her confrontations with him were generally of the unplanned kind.

A second sigh was emitted from Lily as she sunk into the steamy bathtub which was now filled with light green bubbles. Lily smiled and closed her eyes, which wasn't a very good idea…

…

"Hey, if you share a dormitory with Evans now, you don't have to worry about that annoying staircase anymore!" Sirius cheerfully called.

James fell over.

"I know I'm hot, but—"

This comment earned Sirius another whack on the head.

"I can't believe you thought of something as genius as that," James said with an awed look on his face.

Sirius started to agree, then stopped, narrowing his grey eyes. "I think I'll ignore whatever just came out of your mouth," he said haughtily, flouncing off towards the door of Lily's room.

James smiled briefly, then followed his friend towards a heavenly destination which he had never been in before, surprisingly enough.

He didn't bother to step lightly since Lily was supposedly out at the lake with her friends, according to James' excessive study of her Saturdays and Sundays.

James pushed open the door to his beloved's room without hesitation. Inside was holy land. Everything in the neat bedroom seemed to be bathed in a golden light, and James had a sudden vivid image of Lily snogging him there.

The sound of light splashing suddenly reached his ears, and he turned around confusedly, trying to pinpoint the source of the noise.

Sirius had his ear pressed up against a second door, and he slowly grinned evilly and waved James over.

"I think Evans is taking a bath!" Sirius whispered.

James nearly had a aneurysm.

"Let me se—"

Sirius had to grab James around the waist and yank him back so that they both fell onto Lily's tidy green bed in a highly suggestive position.

"You can't just waltz in there!" Sirius hissed. "She'll kill you then torture you then kill you again if you do!"

James was very much disturbed by his suddenly insightful and smart friend. "Okay…well, what do you suggest we do?" He looked expectantly at Sirius.

"Uh…knock first?"

Shaking his head, James secretly rejoiced that the world wasn't ending and that Sirius' smart phase was seemingly over.

"Whatever. I'm just going to go in. This could be my only opportunity to see Evans naked! Ever! Well, except for after we get married, but still! Ever!"

Taking a deep breath, James readied himself and took a step towards the door. Then another. And another. And another. And—

"Arghh!"

Sirius was tired of watching James tiptoe and decided to just give his friend a little push—if by "little" you mean "humongous" and by "push" you mean "shove"—in the direction of the bathroom door.

James grabbed onto the handle to prevent himself from falling flat on his beautiful face and tripped into the bathroom, still yelling.

Lily's eyes naturally shot open and she had the wonderful opportunity to feel a heavy person plunk into her bathtub.

James' glasses had fallen off of his face somewhere between the doorway and the bathtub, and he was grabbing blindly for anything he could reach…in other words, Lily's boob. Of course.


End file.
